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“Ask Emily” — August 2008

All responses in the "Ask Emily” column are based on spiritual principles, the Holy Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, and principles of worship and are not intended to provide professional counseling or psychotherapy.

Welcome to "Ask Emily" a monthly column dealing with tough issues that teens and young women face. Girls can be assured of a column that will be biblically sound and helpful. "Ask Emily" is written by Emily Stone, an ordained minister in the Church of God with a seminary degree and a graduate degree in marriage, family, and child counseling. Click here to meet Emily!

Dear Emily,

I am 27 years old and have been married for five years.  I have a two-year-old child and one on the way.  I recently found out that my husband has had an affair with someone in our community.  It lasted for two weeks.  I am devastated.  I cannot believe he has done this to me.  I thought he loved me.  He is ashamed and sorry and promises that it will never happen again.  I don’t know how I can get over this.  I don’t want my family to break up.  I don’t know how I can leave him even if I wanted to.  I don’t have a job.  I feel so completely helpless.  If I could only tell you how excruciating the pain is.  Do you have any direction to offer?   I just need a lifeline here.  I am drowning.

Sincerely,

Kendra

Dear Kendra,

What you have been through is devastating.  The effects of an affair on a marriage are paramount to a death in those first days and weeks afterwards.  Just as in a death, there is a great deal of loss.  You feel as though you have lost your marriage and your family as you knew it, but you also feel as though you have lost your best friend.  In the past you might have turned to your husband with these kinds of overwhelming feelings.  Now where do you turn?  It is a dark and lonely place.  It leaves you wanting to hide under the covers for days.  But, wait, you can’t!  You have a two-year-old to care for!

From what you have said, you do have a desire to see your marriage work.  It also seems that your husband wants to continue the relationship, too.  You just don’t know how it can happen.  Let me start by saying that it can work.  There is hope.  You can get through this.  You are in a dark valley right now, but life will not stay here.  I have worked with couples who have traveled the rough terrain of recovering after an affair.  Let me tell you what I have observed.  I hope it is comforting for you.

1. Because the aftermath of an affair brings the same shock of a family death (arguably even worse!), you are going to go through some of the same stages of grief.  Watch as you go through these phases:

              
                       
 These stages are not linear.  You will jump all around them.  Your grief will be messy.  Make room for your child to have fun play dates with friends or family so you can be alone or spend time talking with your husband.  If you are sad in front of your child, without providing details, you can explain that mommies and daddies get sad, too.  Let him or her know that God is with you and helping you. 

2. You will probably put your husband through purgatory.  What I mean by that is that your husband should prepare himself to pay for what he has done.  Whether you release your anger on him through words or give him the silent treatment, it is natural that the one who did not have the affair will “punish” the offender.  Also remember, that the purgatory has to stop eventually.   
   
   
3. Support helps…the right kind.  If you feel safe doing so and feel as though he or she will keep things confidential, take time to process the situation with your pastor.  Also, take time to meet with a marriage counselor.
   
   
4. You might be tempted to tell certain people.  You might even want to tell a lot of people as a way of exposing your husband and contributing to his purgatory.  Try to limit the amount of people you tell.  When things find healing…and they CAN find healing…you will be thankful that you did not tell a large group of people.
   
   
5. It is important for you to know that you CAN leave if you want to.  Staying with your husband needs to be your choice, not what you feel forced to do.  You CAN forge a new path for yourself if that is what you think is best for you and your child.  There are options here.  As a woman who is a stay-at-home mother, you are in a vulnerable position.  In a very real sense, you are the “weaker vessel” Paul talks about because society has made it so.  For that reason, your husband is called to be considerate of you in your “weaker” and more vulnerable financial situation.  However, God can help you find the resources and strength to leave if that is what you feel you are supposed to do.  Scripture certainly seems to provide this option as a way out in your situation.
   
   
6. Be ready to practice the discipline of forgiveness and grace more than you have ever done  in your life.  Through the challenges of this nightmare, you have the potential to learn more about yourself, your husband, and God than you ever thought possible.

Couples who have survived an affair seem to reveal the benefits and truths of these six items.  However, these are couples where both husband and wife wanted to make it work.  These are also cases where the affair was a one-time incident.  I am NOT advising you to set yourself up for years of abuse.  I am NOT advising you to beat your head against the wall when your husband doesn’t want to work at the marriage or continue it. 

Hear my heart on this one.  An affair does not have to destroy a marriage.  The Enemy would love to see it happen, but he just doesn’t have to automatically win in these situations.

So, Kendra, surround yourself with people who love you and your husband.  Cry; get it out.  Don’t stuff your feelings.  You need to get them out there so they won’t come back to haunt you later.  Hang in there.  This part is the toughest.  I pray for God’s powerful mercy and grace in your life.  He is more than able.

With the Love of Christ,

Emily

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