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“Ask Emily” — August 2007

All responses in the "Ask Emily” column are based on spiritual principles, the Holy Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, and principles of worship and are not intended to provide professional counseling or psychotherapy.

Welcome to "Ask Emily" a monthly column dealing with tough issues that teens and young women face. Girls can be assured of a column that will be biblically sound and helpful. "Ask Emily" is written by Emily Stone, an ordained minister in the Church of God with a seminary degree and a graduate degree in marriage, family, and child counseling. Click here to meet Emily!

Dear Emily,

I am 20 years old.  I am getting ready to start my junior year of college.  It is time for me to declare a major.  Here’s the deal:  I have no idea what to choose!  I am halfway embarrassed to admit that I really hoped that I would have met my future husband by now.  I know it is not politically correct to say this, but I have grown up dreaming of the white picket fence home filled with children—my occupation being motherhood.  I am content with that dream.  How do I pick a major when I don’t even have any professional goals in mind?  And, doesn’t God’s Word teach us that a woman’s calling is to her home, husband, and children?

Sincerely,

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

I find your question honest and courageous.  Let’s take some time to “discuss” this very important and, sometimes, complicated issue.  I don’t promise to have answers.  I do promise to prod your thinking a bit.

Too often Christian culture raises girls into adulthood with ideas about the world, womanhood, and motherhood that, while full of good intentions, usually function as boxes rather than the journey that life really is.  No life turns out just the way we plan.  Often I thank God for this fact!  Because we want to feel safe and secure we often make the boxes sturdier than they were ever intended to be.  Soon the boxes become prisons of our own making . . . locking out anything that does not fit our own limited ideas of womanhood.  These iron-clad boxes usually work to lock out God’s unique design for each of us, as well.  You are unique, Elizabeth.  I thrill at the adventure God intends for your life.  I pray that you stay open to the adventure that your Prince, Jesus Christ, has planned for you.

Jesus busted boxes wide open.  He smashed through the cardboard variety and cracked open ones made of the sturdiest steel.  Jesus came and showed through His words and actions . . . eating with partying sinners, interrupting the stoning of an adulteress woman, praising the typically male learning posture of Mary . . . that there are no boxes.  There is only Him, the Word, the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  Our identity is in Him.  Our identity is not found in the expectations of the world, not in the dreams of our parents, and not even in the Christian culture.  We get into trouble and miss the mark of God’s intentions for our lives when we allow any of these things to misplace the primacy of the Lord Jesus Christ in our hearts and plans for the future.

So, what does all of this mean for your struggle?  Perhaps it means that you need to honestly evaluate these dreams.  Are they truly your dreams?  If so, wonderful.  There is nothing wrong with that and do not let anyone tell you otherwise.  However, even as a mother there is a very real sense in which the pursuit of your own calling outside of the home will positively influence and disciple the children that you will be raising.  Studies show that mothers who do not have some kind of work outside of the home are more likely to experience depression.  Depression is not good for children or for any other aspect of your role as a mother or wife.  Working outside of the home does not mean that you have to pick up a forty-hour work week position.  Having work or some kind of ongoing involvement outside of the home gives you a chance to develop as a person, which is vital for your role as a mother and for your relationship with your husband.
If you still have difficulty thinking outside of your dream and calling as a mother, I encourage you to consider majors that you think would be helpful for the role of a mother and wife.  For example, if you want to make sure you are well prepared to teach your children God’s Word, you could major in Bible or Christian Education.  If you want to make sure you have excellent management skills for your home, you could major in some field related to an aspect of management.  If you want to make sure you understand your child’s development so that you can parent in age appropriate ways with great wisdom, you could major in Developmental Studies or Psychology.  The world is your oyster.  Pick your pearl.

In the mean time, I want you to be open to the Lord’s direction for your life.  I strongly recommend that you find and read “Lost Women of the Bible,” written by Carolyn Custis James.  She, too, expected to be married young and with children, staying at home full time.  God had other plans.  While she is now married with a young daughter, she uses her story to open us up to the stories of women in the Bible who did not fit the Christian cultural mold for what a woman “should” be. 

Enjoy your journey!

With the Love of Christ.

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