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To participate in Emily's research on Christian Formation in the Church, please click here. You will be redirected to the web site, "For Hope and Healing." Once there, click on "Research" at the top of the page and follow the directions given.
“Ask Emily” — January 2008
All responses in the "Ask Emily” column are based on spiritual principles, the Holy Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, and principles of worship and are not intended to provide professional counseling or psychotherapy. Welcome to "Ask Emily" a monthly column dealing with tough issues that teens and young women face. Girls can be assured of a column that will be biblically sound and helpful. "Ask Emily" is written by Emily Stone, an ordained minister in the Church of God with a seminary degree and a graduate degree in marriage, family, and child counseling. Click here to meet Emily! Dear Emily, I am the mother of an eleven-year-old girl and a seven-year-old boy. As my daughter approaches her teenage years, I want to do something special to mark the transition. I know other cultures do things like this, but some friends of mine and I have been talking and are concerned that our culture offers no such options. Do you have any ideas for us as moms? I want what I do with my daughter to be fun and meaningful at the same time. Sincerely, Aubry’s Mother Dear Aubry’s Mother, What a wonderful idea! Rites of passages are common in other cultures. You are right to be concerned that our culture does not offer deliberate times to celebrate the passage into adulthood. Instead of formal times filled with significant teachable moments, our culture relies on markers such as getting your drivers license, going on your first date, being able to vote, going to college…all important moments in a person’s life, but not what you are looking for. A rite of passage is just that. It is a rite, or ceremony, party, formal service, which celebrates a passage. It could be the passage into adulthood, but there are many other types of rites of passages. A wedding ceremony is a rite of passage into marriage. Baby dedications at church services and baby showers celebrate the birth of a new baby. Graduation ceremonies celebrate the end of one type of schooling and perhaps the beginning of another. Birthday parties celebrate the passage from one age into the next. You can also call rites of passages initiations. They initiate an individual into a new stage, place, or group. Jewish families celebrate Bat Mitzvah and Catholic families celebrate the “First Communion” when the child has reached the “age of reason,” which is usually after age 7 or 8. Evangelicals have struggled to find their own rites that carry the same level of meaning. Sadly in most of Western mainstream society, children have no outside direction that tells them when they have stopped becoming children. Some would say that this influences both childhood and adolescence. Without a rite of passage, there are no boundaries to protect children so that they can be children and to help adolescents move towards being adults. You have children who are given too many adult responsibilities and issues to face at an age that is too young, and you have adolescents who are not given responsibilities they need to help them grow into a thriving, functioning adult. Rites carry with them a pervading sense of adventure, heroism, and something “bigger than me.” When time is carved out to help a child move from one stage to another, the child gets a sense that they are part of a bigger picture. They are part of an adventure that is worth persevering for. They are a hero in the hand of God. It can and should be a spiritual experience that inscribes the Word of the Lord on the soul of the child-turning-into-an-adult. In the church, a rite of passage can serve as a marker that ushers the young person into the functioning body of Christ. It helps them to identify their place and importance in the family of God. There is not a whole lot out there on this subject for girls. It is difficult to find ideas or instruction manuals. I am going to offer a paradigm of what a rite of passage could look like. You may use it as a place to start and add what works best for your family. This example of an initiation model for girls coming into adolescence involves two different parts. The Weekend Passage Plan a weekend getaway for your daughter, who is becoming a teenager, and yourself. If you have grandmothers, aunts, or any other female relatives nearby that can join in, invite them as well. If you do not have any family members, but there are close female mentor figures in your daughter’s life, you may want to invite them. Have each woman, including yourself, to prepare 3-5 “lessons” that they want to pass on to your daughter. These lessons are intended to show her that she is turning into an adult. They may include baking a family recipe, how to properly plant a flower garden, memorizing Bible verses that will help her in tough times, how to act around boys, how to shine silver, how to sew a button back on, how to defend herself, how to choose a career or college…the possibilities are endless. Pick a location for a weekend getaway that suits your needs. You may need to find a place that allows for cooking. You may need to use someone’s home if your budget is tight. Just make sure you have the house only to yourselves! No boys allowed! Start the weekend off at a specific time when everyone has arrived. Have a brief ceremonial time that explains the purpose of the weekend. Choose a specific ending time, celebrated again by a brief ritual or ceremony, with everyone leaving at one time. Make time for fun by renting a favorite movie. Perhaps you have never allowed her to wear makeup, shave her legs, or get her ears pierced. This weekend may be a great time to do one of these things as a marker she will be sure to remember. In other cultures, girls (and boys) are physically marked in sometimes painful ways that demonstrate the honor of passing onto a new stage of life. Now, we don’t want to condone any kind of physical pain, but there are safe ways to “mark” this passage for your daughter. You will probably come up with other ideas, too. If you choose some way to “mark” the event, you may want to select a scripture such as a portion of Proverbs 31 to make the moment sacred. The Rite After the “Weekend Passage,” prepare a party/ceremony for your daughter that celebrates her passage into adolescence and towards adulthood. Try to hold the ceremony within two weeks after the “Weekend Passage.” You may want to have the ceremony on her actual birthday. Prepare special, but simple, foods and decorations. You may decide to have it around dinnertime or to have an afternoon “tea” or evening dessert event. Ask specific individuals, including the ones who were at the “Weekend Passage,” to prepare a statement for your daughter. Her father, grandfathers, a special uncle, or teacher are good choices in addition to women in her life. Ask them to share what gifts they see in her and how they can and will develop in her as she matures. Have a time of prayer for your daughter. Prepare a special statement for your daughter to read…perhaps a kind of pledge that acknowledges her gifts, talents, and responsibilities as she moves toward adulthood. In turn, have everyone else read a statement, or pledge, that commits them to loving her, encouraging her, challenging her, and helping her become the adult God has called her to be. Choose something that can mark this event, too. You may have each participant give her a rose of a different color as they make their statements to her. The roses can represent her beauty and purity as well as the various aspects of her self, talents, and personality. A book that may be helpful to read is: “Rite of Passage Parenting: Four Essential Experiences to Equip Your Kids For Life” written by Walker Moore. One thing to remember: At the rite of passage, you are not telling your daughter that she is already an adult. The “rite” is intended to mark the beginning of a journey toward adulthood. If you never take the first step, you cannot arrive at your destination. This rite of passage helps your daughter know that it is important for her to begin taking those steps toward adulthood. Taking steps toward adulthood means taking on responsibilities as you and her father think are appropriate. It means taking part in the church and serving others. Becoming an adult takes a lot of practice. In our culture we demand a lot of our children and adolescents without giving them enough supervised practice time. They need a safe place to learn through trial and error. Have fun with your plans! I know your daughter will never forget this time in her life. One day she will realize the efforts you put into making it special for her and she will feel blessed all over again. With the Love of Christ, Emily |
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