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“Ask Emily” — July 2007

All responses in the "Ask Emily” column are based on spiritual principles, the Holy Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, and principles of worship and are not intended to provide professional counseling or psychotherapy.

Welcome to "Ask Emily" a monthly column dealing with tough issues that teens and young women face. Girls can be assured of a column that will be biblically sound and helpful. "Ask Emily" is written by Emily Stone, an ordained minister in the Church of God with a seminary degree and a graduate degree in marriage, family, and child counseling. Click here to meet Emily!

Dear Emily,

I am 17 years old.  For as long as I can remember, I have preferred hanging out with guys.  Girls get on my nerves.  I can’t stand their cattiness and cliques.  They focus their attention and efforts on things that seem so meaningless.  The thing is, I know that I need friends that are girls, if I am honest with myself.  It seems that every time I try something goes wrong.  I start to become friends with a girl or a group of girls and the next thing I know they stop talking to me and it seems that they are all talking about me behind my back.  I’m lonely even though I have lots of guy friends, I wonder if something is wrong with me.

Sincerely,

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

There is a silly Sesame Street segment that shows these puppets singing on an island about bananas.  My daughters love to watch this video so I get to hear the song often.  After they watch the video, I find that this one song out of all the other songs on the video sticks in my head, and I hear these words over and over for the next day or two:  “Two banana, three banana, maybe four banana . . . but, you’ll never find one alone . . . because bananas can’t grow alone.”  It would be so much more memorable if you could hear the song with the Jamaican accents and catchy tune. 

Every time these words come to my mind I am overwhelmed with the spiritual implications.  Bananas can’t grow alone.  Neither can we.  We are created to exist and to grow as a “bunch.”

We were created for relationship.  Relationships are crazy things that infuriate us, heal us, and have the potential to spur us towards Christ.  A well-known marriage counselor and theorist calls relationships “crucibles.”  Do you know what a crucible is?  It is a furnace of fire.  These furnaces do two things:  1. They get really, really, really hot; and 2. They burn off impurities.  Just like we try to stay away from fiery furnaces so that we don’t get burned, we also tend to back away from relationships to protect ourselves.  The sad truth is that when we back away from the fire and protect our self from getting burned, we are also backing away and protecting our self from God’s initiative in our life

Here is the irony:  God and the Enemy both use relationships.  Here is the truth:  God always has the upper hand.  Even when the Enemy is twisting things so that people get hurt . . . injured by words, abused by careless or intentional behaviors . . . even when the Enemy is working hard to move us off of the journey towards Christ and away from God’s peace . . . God is always working things out for good for those that love Him and are answering His call (Romans 8:28).  God uses all of the Enemy’s attacks to form us into His image, the image of His Son . . . if we submit to the lordship of the Son, Jesus Christ.

Melissa, relationships are never easy.  Stop believing they will get easy when you “grow up.”  Relationships are always tough.  When we can see them for what they are—God’s fiery furnace for purifying us into the pure, whole, and holy image of His Son, Jesus Christ, we can move beyond making things so personal between us and the other person and move towards making it between us and God.  What is God trying to do in our lives right now?  This is not a selfish question.  As we seek God and His will for our souls (conformation to the image of Christ), we become, in turn, instruments in God’s hand in the lives of others.  The greatest commandments that Christ gave to us:  “Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength” came before “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  As God works on your heart, soul, mind, and strength in the midst of you loving Him, then you will be released to do the work of “loving your neighbor as yourself.”

Okay, so we got the foundation down:  God uses relationships to purify us, to heal us, and to make us wholly His . . . even when, or especially when, they are not easy.  Remember, relationships are fiery furnaces:  They get really, really, really hot and they can burn! 

But what about your specific situation?  It is not uncommon so I am so glad that you have asked it.  Here are some things I want you to consider, Melissa:

1. Have you always given the benefit of the doubt in your relationships?  I have to admit that I am not good at this one.  My husband is the expert.  He has helped me to see that God calls us to always be gracious and offer mercy.  We can never really know what is going on in any situation.  We may be “certain” that we have all of the details only to find that we acted in retaliation to a figment of our own false intuition.  Try to make it a habit:  always give someone the benefit of the doubt before you react.  Don’t terminate or walk away from a relationship because you “think” that they don’t like you anymore.  You are not all knowing.  None of us are even though we act like it sometimes.
   
   
2. Have you done your own soul searching?   I will never forget when someone told me that when it comes to some relationships, the other person will never change and that the only person I have control over is me.  Listen, Melissa, middle school and high school girls are in a tough place.  You are there, too, so you know that!  They are insecure about so many things and, yes, sometimes that makes them catty and shallow.  However, in all of these situations . . . there is one factor that is constant:  you.  You are the one thing that is always present in your relationships and you are the one thing that you can change.  You cannot work on anything else.  I suggest that you take some time searching your own heart.  How is your relationship with your parents?  Do dynamics in your family make it so that you are more comfortable with guys?  Do you have a good relationship with your mother?  Has your dad taught you to respect your mother and her femininity so that you, in turn, respect your own?  Respect and love for both of your parents is important and plays heavily on how we relate to others.  How are your other relationships with females?  Do you have siblings?  What experiences from your past could influence how you see yourself in relationship to other females?  Are there places that need to be healed?  Unhealed places can make us behave in all sorts of ways . . . with airs of superiority or airs of inferiority (both can influence our relationships with others), distant, too involved.  Or, perhaps you are prone to seek out friendships from a certain kind of person that leaves you feeling this negative way.  Have you noticed a pattern to the kind of person you search out for a friend?  Only you, with the light and help of the Holy Spirit, can examine your heart and find the ways that need to be made whole.

Melissa, I have been there.  This is so tough!  I encourage you to build a good support system for yourself.  Find a pastoral figure to talk to, arrange for a trained counselor to process things with you, and pray for a mentoring relationship that can train you up in the way of Christ.

Whatever you do, don’t do this alone.  Remember, “bananas can’t grow alone” and neither can we.  We are created to grow emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually in the context of relationships.  That doesn’t mean it is easy!  I commend you and respect you for taking time to consider these things.  God will bless you and anyone else that follows your example in contemplating the health and value of relationships.  Pray, commit this journey to Christ, and God will bring you good female friendships when the timing is right.

With the Love of Christ,

Emily

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