To participate in Emily's research on Christian Formation in the Church, please click here. You will be redirected to the web site, "For Hope and Healing." Once there, click on "Research" at the top of the page and follow the directions given.

“Ask Emily” — July 2008

All responses in the "Ask Emily” column are based on spiritual principles, the Holy Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, and principles of worship and are not intended to provide professional counseling or psychotherapy.

Welcome to "Ask Emily" a monthly column dealing with tough issues that teens and young women face. Girls can be assured of a column that will be biblically sound and helpful. "Ask Emily" is written by Emily Stone, an ordained minister in the Church of God with a seminary degree and a graduate degree in marriage, family, and child counseling. Click here to meet Emily!

Dear Emily,

I am a parent of a rising teenager.  What do you think are the top issues facing teens today?  What would you like to tell parents about these issues and how to handle them with their teen?

Sincerely,

Donna

Dear Donna,

A recent Gallup Poll lists these as the top five concerns (in order of concern) for teenagers ages 13-17:

Drugs/smoking/alcohol
Peer pressure/fitting in/popularity
Sexual issues (teen pregnancy/abortion/STD’s)
Education
Ignorance/lack of youth caring/getting involved

The poll further determined the concerns of 13-15 year olds, compared to older teens that are 16-17 years old.  It revealed some sobering information.  Younger teens are more concerned about drugs, peer pressure, and violence than older teens.  The two groups are identical in their concern about sexual issues.  The pollsters broke the group into boy and girl categories.  The findings?  There is little difference between the concerns of boys and the concerns of girls who are teenagers.

What does this poll tell us?  It tells us some things we already know.  I want to address each one specifically.

1. Drugs/smoking/alcohol—This issue has stayed at the top for several years.  I would mention a couple of things to be aware of.  One, talking to your teen about drugs, alcohol, and smoking is the best way to prevent your teen from using.  There are many places online to get more information about how to talk to your teen about it.  http://www.theantidrug.com/advice/advice_start_convo.asp is a great place to start.  A recent dangerous trend is teenagers stealing prescription medications from their parents’ medicine cabinet, particularly cough medicine, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, and pain medication.  Keep your meds out of your teenagers’ reach and talk to them about the dangers of taking prescription medication that is not theirs and becoming addicted to prescription medication.
2. Peer pressure/fitting in/popularity—This issue of popularity and fitting is never going away, and it is directly related to all other issues facing teenagers.  Because of their developmental stage, teenagers are incredibly peer oriented.  Their focus is on their friends and what their friends are doing, playing, wearing, saying, watching, and eating.  Parenting a peer-oriented teen takes great balance.  If you scrutinize and criticize your teen’s friend, he or she is sure to ostracize you.  Here are a few things you can try.  One, make your home the place the kids want to hang out.  If your teen doesn’t feel like he or she can bring his or her friends home, he or she will be trying to go to someone else’s home.  If they are hanging out at your home…even if they are loud and obnoxious…at least you know where your kids are.  Two, get your teenager involved in healthy activities at an early age.  If your teenager is busy playing sports, dancing ballet, or playing the piano, chances are he or she will be surrounded by other teenagers who are motivated to work hard and do their best.  Taking your teen to these activities takes time and money, both of which many families are short on.  If you can find the time, most likely you can find places who will work with you on the cost.  Teenagers who are involved in these types of activities are less likely to participate in risky behaviors and are more likely to make higher grades.
3. Sexual issues (teen pregnancy/abortion/STD’s)—Again, the more you talk to your teen about sex, the less likely he or she will become sexually active.  Here is a great site to help you get the conversation started: How To Talk.  This conversation needs to start earlier than you think.  Children in early elementary school are experimenting with sexual behavior.  Children need guidance.  They need to be taught about their bodies and what is appropriate behavior and what is not appropriate.
4. Education—Teenagers do not end up in college on their own.  If you have hopes for your children to get a college degree, talk about it with them.  Help them dream.  Ask them what they want to be when they grow up, and then help them find out which colleges and universities offer programs in that area.  Take them to visit nearby universities.  Make it a natural part of their life so that it becomes a natural option.  College degrees open up a world of possibilities.  There are just more options for people with these degrees than for people without them.  Going to college comes naturally for teenagers who are children of college graduates.  If you or your husband did not attend college, you will need to take extra time and energy helping your son or daughter understand the benefits of a college degree.  No one is going to do this for your child except you.  In today’s busy world, take time out of your schedule to explore this exciting world with your teenager.
5. Ignorance/lack of youth caring/getting involved—Young people want to get involved.  They want responsibility and the feeling of accomplishing something worthwhile.  Often teens become apathetic and uncaring because no opportunity has been given to them to serve, or else no one has showed them the way to be involved.  Help your young person know about what is happening in the world.  Find a local organization for your teenager to volunteer in, such as Habitat for Humanity, or in your church’s outreach and benevolence ministry.  Teenagers are part child and part adult.  They are in this strange “No Man’s Land” where they still need supervision, but also need a feeling of accomplishment and hard work.  Without forcing it on her, help your teenager find worthwhile causes to work for.

Oftentimes parents step back in their parental involvement during the teen years.  What these polls reveal is that teens do not need less attention and help from parents.  They need just as much, if not more.  Perhaps it is acted out in different ways, but the time and energy that teens need from parents does not lessen when they hit age 13.

Mental diagnoses for teenagers are on the rise.  Depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar, ADHD…teenagers are getting slapped with these labels.  I often find myself wondering if these same children are more the product of our culture rather than the product of these illnesses.  I wonder if more talking, more community involvement, more healthy activities, more outdoor living, and less nurturing through sugar and television would have an impact on the lives of these children.  There are no easy answers.  Our lives take place mostly indoors and hurry scurried.  Making changes in our lifestyle are deep changes…the kind that involves evaluating our values…what we spend our money and time on.  I will use an example that has hit home for me in the past.  You say you cannot afford a membership at the YMCA, but you spend even more money on cable or satellite television every month.  Again, we have to ask ourselves what we are willing to spend our time and money on.  Making changes in our lifestyles will take sacrifice…and maybe a bit of family counseling!

Our teenagers need us.  In today’s world a teenager’s most successful ally and advocate is his or her parent.  Parenting doesn’t stop at age 13.  The stakes are just higher.

“Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart” (Colossians 3:21).

With the Love of Christ,

Emily

Site by WinWorld