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To participate in Emily's research on Christian Formation in the Church, please click here. You will be redirected to the web site, "For Hope and Healing." Once there, click on "Research" at the top of the page and follow the directions given.
“Ask Emily” — September 2007
All responses in the "Ask Emily” column are based on spiritual principles, the Holy Scripture, prayer, the Holy Spirit, and principles of worship and are not intended to provide professional counseling or psychotherapy. Welcome to "Ask Emily" a monthly column dealing with tough issues that teens and young women face. Girls can be assured of a column that will be biblically sound and helpful. "Ask Emily" is written by Emily Stone, an ordained minister in the Church of God with a seminary degree and a graduate degree in marriage, family, and child counseling. Click here to meet Emily! Dear Emily, I am 17 years old and one of my best friends just told me that he is gay. I am in shock. When he told me I cried with him and assured him that I was still his friend, and I would always love him. Since then, I have been trying to figure out “what would Jesus do?” As a Christian, how am I supposed to respond to my friend? How can I help him? I want to be a friend, and I also want him to get help. What do you think I should do? Sincerely, Lauren Dear Lauren, This issue deserves thoughtful and loving attention. It deserves this depth of consideration because it involves a person who was created in the image of God. It involves a person whom God loves so much that He served His only begotten Son a death sentence, which His Son willingly chose to accept, in order to redeem the life of this one human being. God takes the life of your friend seriously and lovingly. We must follow God’s example and do the same. The conversation regarding homosexuality could lead us in various directions. We could spend time discussing the cause of it. We could debate whether being gay is “genetically predisposed,” whether or not it is caused by childhood sexual abuse, or whether it finds its roots in dysfunctional family relationships. I am going to sidestep this debate because focusing on these issues means that I also sidestep the most precious and important aspect of this discussion: the person who Jesus loves even unto his own death . . . your friend. I want to make this issue what it really is: personal. I argue that there is no universal cause of being “gay” just like there is no universal cause of becoming an alcoholic or becoming a person who is afraid of dogs. Each case is incredibly personal. Sometimes it may be physical, sometimes it may be emotional, and sometimes it may be cultural. I believe that whatever the “earthly cause” it is always a spiritual issue. I will step out on a limb and make a firm and politically incorrect statement: whatever the “cause” of being “gay,” it is the result of the Enemy’s work in a person’s life with the sole purpose to “steal and kill and destroy” (John 10:10a). The Enemy wants nothing more than to steal, kill, and destroy the abundant life we have in Christ (John 10:10b). Whether they are family, friends, or co-workers, there is a saying that is often used when discussing a Christian’s relationships with homosexuals: “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” Although there is truth in this reasoning, homosexuals do not hear this statement with the “love” it intends for them. Cultural and societal factors deem homosexuality (as well as “normal” sexuality) to be part of a person’s very identity and personhood. Once a person “comes out” it is like he or she steps over into another realm of identity. The person is no longer “Mark, the boy who loves to run track;” he becomes “Mark, the boy who is gay.” Our society’s dealing with this subject has made it this way. So we must be careful to use such blasé statements directly without understanding what they communicate to the person. I had the opportunity to sit down and talk with the pastor of a “gay” church in Los Angeles, California, a few years ago. He made it clear that “hating the sin, but loving the sinner” was not acceptable to him. If you hate the homosexual part of him, you cannot succeed in loving him at all. When ministering to homosexuals, it is important to understand some of these cultural and societal issues. When a missionary moves to another country, they become a student of that culture. When my husband and I moved to Prague, Czech Republic, we became students of its culture. Prague is the most atheistic city in the world. We obviously needed the guidance of the Holy Spirit to understand the seeds of this atheism if we were to minister in its context—even though we certainly did not agree with its principles. We had to understand atheism to minister in its realm and to be safeguarded against its strongholds. The same goes for our ministry to and relationships with homosexuals. I did not nor do I agree with the assertion made by the homosexual “pastor” in L.A. In my own way of understanding things, I still hold to some aspect of “hating the sin, loving the sinner,” but I am careful not to use this statement in a careless way—just as I would be careful about getting into a debate on the holes in atheistic philosophy. My place as a Christian human being in the service of God’s truth usually is not to debate, but to live out His peace, joy, and LIFE in the midst of worldly mindsets and behaviors. The Spirit convicts (see John 16:8). I believe that there are ways to follow the tenets of “what would Jesus do,” not hiding my convictions, but still loving the “imago dei” (image of God) that each person has at their core, whether it is marred by sinful, unholy, unhealthy choices and behaviors or not. So let us look at some examples to determine to the best of our ability “what would Jesus do.” We will start with the verses in the Bible that speak directly about homosexuality. We find two mentions of laws regarding homosexuality in the Old Testament:
These words are harsh. Before we act on these words, we must remember a few things. We must consider that there are many laws in Leviticus that we no longer follow. We eat pork. We wear cloth made of two different materials at the same time. Many consider these laws to only pertain to the Hebrew people of their time period. We certainly do not put people to death for sins. Jesus makes it clear by His actions and words that there is never reason to physically harm someone for their behavior. Stoning was called for as a punishment for adultery, but Jesus stopped the men from stoning the adulterous woman in John 8:3-11. Anyone who acts otherwise and claims the Bible for support is behaving foolishly and reveals his or her lack of biblical knowledge. God does not condone homosexuality. Its affects on a person’s life are harsh and destructive . . . much more so than any physical wounds we could inflict on a person. The verses in Leviticus are not ones to use when formulating how to respond to someone who is “gay.” In the New Testament only Paul speaks directly about homosexuality:
Paul’s words tell us three things that I find interesting in these verses. One, the mention of homosexuals receiving “in themselves the due penalty for their perversion” seems to be a reference to sexually transmitted diseases. Many of these diseases lead to death or physical pain and misery. Heterosexuals who do not follow the guidelines as laid out in God’s Word are also at risk for these consequences. Sexual immorality is not confined to homosexual acts! Even more so, I find interesting Paul’s instruction in 1 Corinthians. He says that no one who participates in these activities “will inherit the kingdom of God.” We often think of heaven when we think of the “kingdom of God” and it is true that the kingdom of God will be fully consummated after the return of Christ. What a glorious day that will be! However, the kingdom of God was inaugurated at the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ! Those of us who live as children of God, through the Lordship of Jesus Christ, are already experiencing the “kingdom of God” here on earth! It is not yet consummated, but it is already begun! We encounter the kingdom of God every time we experience the life, joy, peace, and love of Christ in our hearts and relationships! So when Paul says that these will not “inherit the kingdom of God” those consequences begin right now, right here on earth. If they continue in this lifestyle, they will miss the rewards of heaven. They will also miss out on the LIFE of God through Jesus Christ offered by living within the boundaries of the kingdom of heaven right now. We must pray for our loved ones, who choose these behaviors, with a heart full of grief and knowledge that right now here on earth they are not experiencing the fullness of God’s love, joy, and peace in Christ. Their lifestyle is separating them from a right relationship with God through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ. Again, this is a harsher sentence than any physical harm that could come to a human being. Lastly, the third thing I notice from Paul’s words is that the emphasis is on the behavior, not the person. There is biblical support for “love the sinner, hate the sin.” It is an attitude, although not popular with the world, that is useful for us in how we relate to our loved ones who are participating in any of these behaviors. These verses give us some understanding of homosexuality, but they do not spell out for us how we are to act toward our friends and family members who are “gay.” First, let me explain that I always put quotations marks around the word “gay” because I am uncomfortable with this label. Society wants us to put labels on everyone, relegating people to boxes instead of treating them as human beings. Society tells girls: “Oh, you like to wear cargo pants and play sports . . . you must be bisexual,” or “You like to dance and you are a man so you must be gay.” I had an opportunity one time while ministering in California to sit before a panel of homosexual, bisexual, and transsexual teenagers. I listened as a tall, beautiful, fifteen-year-old girl made these statements about herself: “I liked to hang out with boys, and I noticed that I did not wear girly clothes. I talked to someone about it and began to realize that I was bisexual.” I was angry and saddened as I listened to the evidence of the Enemy’s destructive work in this beautiful, young girl’s life. Labels sentence a person to life in an identity that is not healthy. I would compare these labels to the bonds of slavery. The Enemy uses the world to accuse Christians of putting limits on people. This attitude angers me because the truth is that the boxes of the world are so much more life constricting than the wonderful, beautiful, growth-cultivating boundaries of the Lord. Jesus came to set people free from the deadly identities of the world. Jesus did not label people or put people in boxes and neither should we. In this way we should be counter-cultural. I know of a man who prays for a famous heavy rock star every day who is known for satanic rituals and bizarre music—except he refuses to call him by his stage name. When this man prays for the rock star, he calls out the rock star’s childhood name, the name of the little boy who encountered trauma and abuse and desperately needs the healing power of God in his life. Avoid labels. Focus on the person. Today every organization has a mission statement. Jesus revealed His mission statement to the world in Luke 4:18. Read the words that should be the mission statement of the Church, the body of Christ here on earth, and all of its members: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.” Let us look at Jesus’ example of how He related to those who were stuck in the boxes of sinful, unholy, unhealthy identities and behaviors. Let us see how He lived out His mission statement on a day-to-day basis.
Jesus shows us countless ways that He truly came to “bind up the brokenhearted.” In some way, those who choose sin have a heart that is broken. As Christ’s ambassadors on earth, we are here to carry out His mission statement. Still, Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians chapter 5 tell us to be careful. The church must make a stand against sexual immorality. It cannot be tolerated in the church. When having relationships with loved ones who have chosen this lifestyle of sexual immorality . . . whether they are heterosexual or homosexual . . . we must be wise. Use your relationships to influence, but be careful that you are not the influencer and not the one who is influenced! Have a strong support system to keep you accountable to God’s Word. Carry out the mission statement of Christ. Offer food, drink, friendship, and the truth of Christ to others while standing on a foundation of God’s Word and prayerfully expect to see the people in your daily life relationships encounter the healing power of Jesus Christ in you. Stay plugged into the Word (Jesus), the church (Jesus’ body on earth), and into the Spirit (the Spirit of Jesus Christ) and never lose hope. As a Christian, Jesus’ mission statement is also yours. When you are considering what course of action to take in how you relate to anyone, whether it is your homosexual friend or someone else, repeat our mission statement. Insert your name and say this to yourself and feel the anointing of the Holy Spirit come upon you: “The Spirit of the Lord is upon [Lauren], because He has anointed [Lauren] to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent [Lauren] to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.” With the Love of Christ, Emily |
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